The Pursuit of Happiness

The pursuit of happiness is a wasted past time. The emotion comes and goes as swiftly and as regularly as the tides. Happiness can be a fleeting moment or a lifetime experience. It is totally dependent on how one chooses to feel at any given moment.This is the philosophy that I believed in, for many years, until I was faced with the insurmountable grief of losing my child. All of a sudden my choices had been taken away from me. There was no control over my emotions. I could cry at the mention of my daughter’s name or laugh at a cherished memory. But there was no real happiness in my daily life for many years.

Since Emily’s death, I find it difficult to look at other babies. When a stroller or pram comes into my view my instinctive reaction is to look away. But today, as I was wheeling my trolley through the fruit and vegetable section of the supermarket, I was drawn to the baby carrier just to the left of me. It was actually the colour of the blanket initially that drew me in. The blanket, or baby cover, was orange but there lying beneath it was a tiny, tiny babe. A quick glance above showed the mother, tall, slender, wearing a brightly coloured full length dress.

In that moment, I was glad for her and her baby. For all I knew and hoped to be true, they would live a long and happy life together. This is the way of most mothers and babies.

I am beginning to understand that my pursuit of happiness needs to change direction. For those wonderful months of carrying a child and having a baby in the family home have gone. Those days would have developed into moments of watching a child develop in a perfect world where our children live forever.

While I did not have the luxury of watching my daughter grow and become a part of our daily lives, I did have the absolute joy of knowing her and being there for the short time of her life here on earth. For that I am truly grateful. Losing a child is not easy. Surviving that loss comes from knowing what is important. Emily was on her own journey. Her time with us was a gift to be treasured. As a mother all I can do is send her my love and wish her well.